Tell her she can't have a vagina
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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