this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
