If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
