I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
