I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This baby is an asshole
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
