I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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