Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
