life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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