New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize