i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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