she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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