apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
