I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
