My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
