I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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