i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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