I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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