so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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