Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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