I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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