I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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