No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
