I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
