Apparently you make a good broom.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
