this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
