I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I want her autograph on my taint
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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