its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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