I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
