remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
