Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
