I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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