Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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