just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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