I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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