You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
