hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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