Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
