well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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