i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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