ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
