Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
