The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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