Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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