I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
