you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The best revenge is premature balding
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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