She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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