dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So much rum. So many feels.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
