I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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