I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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