these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
