A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize