pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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