we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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