I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
