im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just had sex on a roof
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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