i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
