Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
