yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
