She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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